Wednesday, November 17, 2010

The Last Goodbye - For the last time

It was night, and silence she imagine she could hear the musical motion of the stars. She knew all she had to know, she had experienced all she had to experience, darkly without thinking at all she knew that she was near to death. She was quite lost and daze really dead to her own life, I shall die I shall quickly die she said to herself . It was a decision. It was not a question of taking ones life, she would never kill herself that was repulsive and violent. It was a question of knowing the next step, the step lead into the space of death. Could she give herself to it ? she had enough. She said to herself. Unless i absolve myself from the rhythm of life, fix myself and remain static. But better die than live in this cruel world, to die is to move on with the invisible. To die is also a joy which is greater than the known, the pure unknown that is joy. Life indeed may be ignominious shameful to the soul. But death is never a shame. Death itself like the illimitable space is beyond our sullying. She had enough. She said. There was nothing to look for from life it was the same the only window was death that one could look out on the great dark sky of death with emotion. There was no escape of life to save in death to think that whatever humanity did and whatever life might be it could not take away death, the inhuman transcendent death. Let us ask no question of it she said, what it is or is not..? to know human and in death we do not know, we are not human. In death we shall not be human , and we shall not know. She sat quite still and quite alone by the fire in the living room, she was gone into the ultimate darkness of her own soul. Suddenly the bell ring and she opened the door, oh.. Carl is it you ? She said. I am glad you are at home he said in a low voice while entering the house , carl look at her and wondered at the luminous delicacy of her beauty ,wide shining of her eyes. He watched from a distance with wonder in his heart, she seemed transfigured with light. What have you doing all day my love ? He asked her nothing only sitting about she said, He looked at her. There was a change in her. But she was separate from him, she remain apart in a kind of brightness. Shelly my love, as long as i can breath don’t worry, i will always be with you. Carl, do you love me? she asked. He kissed her softly cause she talk too much. Haven't you seen enough ? she said.

It's a bitter thing to me. If i die, you'll know i haven’t left you and you wont have left me, he said. we shan't have any need to despair in death. That is the first time they both talk heart to heart, If death is my destiny i still have to die and leave you behind my love. Deep down inside only god knows her sadness suddenly tears came up. We've both sacrifice , for all she said. You have put your trust on me. Even if i get shoot for something that i don’t even know what i have done, atleast i have done my best my love.. The next day shelly went back to her sister house. she remained to finish the holiday admitting nothing. He scarely ever left her alone, but followed her like a shadow. I can be free of her, said carl to himself, He even prepared to go away, to leave her. But for the first time there was a flaw in his will. Where shall i go ? He asked himself. Can't you be self-sufficient ? He replied to himself, putting himself upon his pride. A fine thread still united her to him. It should not be her death which broke it she had farther to go. In the end shelly made her decision, I shall go away from carl she said to herself. She made her decission, to return back to zack. One destroyed that the other one might exist, one ratified because the other was nulled. She knew her next step- she knew what she should move on to when she left Zack, she was afraid of zack that he might kill her. But she did not intend to be killed. The only way to safe her and carl is she should return back to zack. Goodbye carl I’m sorry for leaving you behind..

" I can't waste time so give it a moment I realize that nothings broken, no need to worry about everything i've done like every second like it was my last one, don’t look back got a new direction, I love you once needed protection.. You still apart of everything i do you're on my heart just like a tattoo I'll always have you I'll always have you. If i live every moment wont change any moment, still apart of me and you I will never regret you.. Still the memory of you marks everything I do.."

That evening she remember the scene once more suddenly her tears came up.. Don't cry , Don't cry , Don't cry, Dont cry anymore.. Don't cry, Don't cry, he repeated. Don't cry anymore. I had to break with you, it had to be, it had to be.. You shall never see me again my love. he said. Then she looked up her eyes wide and frightened. Carl, I have loved you, i've always love you but you always done this to me! Don't cry, Don't cry , he repeated, Don't cry anymore. He went over to her and kissed her fine fragile hair touching her wet cheeks gently, he held her head close against him.. Shelly my love, the moment of truth that only haunts you is memory of the past always come every time i saw you. To leave you behind would not be easy because in my heart i only love you but goodbye for the last time even though i could not do, i am better not to be with you because there’s someone with you.  

But still the memory will come crashing through that makes my life undo cause everytime i remember you the fine moment both of us too that marks everything i do. Goodbye for now because if i follow then you should not go goodbye my sweet love and don’t try to look back because my heart would be broken to see your tears drop fall. 

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